Journal of Paleoanfropology Research

A Preliminary Report on the Discovery and Classification of

Fro Magnon Man

ABSTRACT

For the first time since the collecting of fossil records, I have created the unknown link¹ between Early Man^{2, 3} and the Disco Age:⁴ Fro Magnon Man. With prominent chin and sharply rising forehead, he is the closest-known relative to modern man⁵ (Plate I).

My colleagues⁶ insist that Fro Magnon Man not turn into a sideshow act.⁷ Rather, they have proposed shaving his entire head to allow him to roam⁸ freely unnoticed in our society, thereby easing his assimilation and preventing a panic among the citizenry.⁹

As the reader can see from the documentation (Plates I and II), such an undertaking will require a significant effort. To add value, I’ve determined that raising money for research would make the best use of the headshaving. In January, I registered with the St. Baldrick’s Foundation.¹⁰ Past donors may recall the mission of the foundation: "Shaving the way to conquer kid’s cancer." Contributions go toward finding the cure for pediatric cancer through research¹¹ and fellowships.¹²

Thanks to your gift, and those of a hundred Friends of Fro,¹³ last year’s shaving raised $4,000¹⁴ for St. Baldrick’s. In Cleveland, headshavings raised over $184,000,¹⁵ and nationwide, the campaign surpassed $17.3 million.¹⁶

Can I count on your renewed support for this year’s campaign?

Donations are accepted online¹⁷ at www.stbaldricks.org. Search for participant Thomas Barnard.^{18, 19, 20} You may also use the enclosed form and send in a check (paid to St. Baldrick’s Foundation).

Thank you!²¹

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NOTES

1. Lancelot Link and the Evolution Revolution. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ITB8DitqCsE

2. For Evolution, see Leakey, Richard. The Origin of Humankind. Science Masters Series. New York, NY: Basic Books, 1994. pp. 87-89.

3. Against Evolution, see http://www.squidoo.com/evolution-problems

4. The Disco History page. http://www.disco-disco.com/disco/history.shtml

5. Carlin on "Modern Man." http://www.metacafe.com/watch/193273/carlin_modern_man/

6. The Bald Guys. http://www.youtube.com/tbarnardiii

7. Sideshow history. http://www.showhistory.com/

8. "Home on the Range" (2007), B-Rank Strangers. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1gbjfvsl9VE

9. "Don’t panic! How ants can teach humans to cope during mass evacuations." The Daily Mail. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-472531/Dont-panic-How-ants-teach-humans-cope-mass-evacuations.html

10. St. Baldrick’s homepage. http://www.stbaldricks.org/

11. St. Baldrick’s research grants. http://www.stbaldricks.org/about_us/grants.php#

12. St. Baldrick’s "Meet the Fellows." http://www.stbaldricks.org/about_us/fellowships.php#

13. Listing on 2008 honor roll. http://www.stbaldricks.org/participants/shavee_info.php?ParticipantKey=2008-21985&ViewDetails=donors#

14. St. B’s participant Thomas Barnard. http://www.stbaldricks.org/participants/shavee_info.php?ParticipantKey=2008-21985#

15. St. B’s event, Cleveland, Ohio, AJ Rocco’s. http://www.stbaldricks.org/events/event_info.php?EventKey=2008-104#

16. St. B’s "2008 Progress Chart." http://www.stbaldricks.org/index.php#

17. St. B’s online donations. http://www.stbaldricks.org/participants/shavee_info.php?ParticipantKey=2009-57031#

18. Barnard, et al. http://www.billputman.com/Barnard.pdf

19. Nope, that’s my dad. http://www.ogletreedeakins.com/attorneys/index.cfm?Fuseaction=AttorneyDetail&AttorneyID=502

20. Bingo! http://www.stbaldricks.org/participants/shavee_info.php?ParticipantKey=2009-57031#

21. "That’s the Way I Like It" (1974), KC & The Sunshine Band. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VWf1MdHv80Q